I don’t know how to start a diary entry, but I guess it should start with an adress of someone… or something.. like starting with ‘dear’…whoever.. So, let’s start with that.
Today seems like an okay day. For the most part. I still haven’t spoken to my dad after the explosion he had at me in the car a couple of days ago. I still feel like a burden around the house. I go through these waves of feeling great, and loving life, and loving my boyfriend, and then I feel like this tsunami hits and I have to wake up. Wake up to the reality that life is shit, I’m never going to make money because I’m going to do something I hate and that when Louis and I say forever, we really mean, ‘for now’. How can you be with someone forever if they’ve betrayed your trust. How can you be with someone forever when you kind of have that inkling of a feeling that when he went away to schoolies, he was with other girls, or when he goes out, he’s with other girls, or when he’s at home, he wants to be with other girls. That he essentially wants other girls, or that I think he does, only proves I can’t be his forever and he can’t be mine. Because life doesn’t work like that. Life’s a whole lot of fucked up. I look at my parents and it’s easy to see why. You fall in love, someone else catches your eye, you fall out of love, repeat. He’s still in love with his first love. I can see it in his eyes. I can tell. He looks like I did a year ago. Still utterly in love with my first and still hoping that maybe, one day, he will confess to me how much he missess me. But it doesn’t work like that. He’ll figure that out soon enough. Hopefully faster than I did, because I really like this boy. More than I probably liked my first love. But I just think the whole hype of a first love makes it hard to compare their love with others. Forever, or for now, I just don’t want to end up like my parents did. Ever.